I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. For fun, I enjoy browsing other people's profiles and making shallow judgments about their maturity level, literacy level, reasons for their relationship failures and social skills. The last album I bought was The Elvis Presley Revival Band's Greatest Hits. You must be a man-hating, crazy bitch with a misplaced sense of entitlement and lots of expectations to even be considered. I expect that over time you will blame me and grow hostile when I don't fulfill every need you've ever had. Bonus points if you just finished dating every guy in town but now want to take your time with me. For our first date we should head over to K-Mart. I could find out what your favorite fruit was and you could see if I blush when we walk into the lingerie department.

Everything I need to know about life I got from watching Gilligan's Island. I was asked a while ago to list my personal morals, only to come to the stunning realization that I have none whatsoever. I'm not holding my breath but I am looking for interesting conversation with someone that will not have to be quoted later on in a courtroom. My perfect date would include getting hammered in a dive bar while you try to lead on seedy old farts, followed by a loud screaming match and culminating in an ashtray blow to the head - yours or mine, doesn't really matter. I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that leaves me filled with regret and dread but prefers a long-term, soul crushing descent into alcoholism and pills. Age in unimportant, but I will condescend women under 28 and rehash mother issues with those over 47.

I believe only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. I can read Sanskrit and have participated in full contact karaoke tournaments. I know who would win if Superman would have to take on the Power Rangers. I am an abstract painter and I can whistle Beethoven's 9th using only three fingers. I can divide by zero and have written a thesaurus that included swear words. I give real hugs instead of those wimpy A-frame things people try to pass off as hugs nowadays. I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I can turn off street lamps using telekinesis. I am an outlaw in Argentina, despite that I have enjoyed spending time with my own personal saviors around me. I sing, fudge, weave, play, and I dodge - all at the same time. I have played a small acting part in educational films such as "Here Comes the Metric System!" I believe a relationship is two emotionally complete people who CHOOSE to be together because they enjoy each others company, none of that " I need you: I'm empty without you" stuff that's really just addiction masquerading as love.

Have you ever had a fly land on your computer screen and your first reaction was to try and shoo it away with the mouse cursor? In my free time I have won the state-wide parallel parking challenge and I have written an encyclopedia that is now used as supplemental reading material for people with too much shelf-space on their bookshelf. I know who will be Santa Claus next Christmas. I think five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. I read, cook, and I frolic - not necessarily in that order. I am wooing women with my amusing and godlike trombone playing, despite that I have attached a bunch of flattering adjectives to my name to impress people. I have translated sexual innuendos for Canadian refugees. I believe that time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. Being able to back flip demonstrates that you possess a lot of the qualities I seek in a companion.

I like have a lunch pass because I like live in the dorms and so I like eat chicken fried steak like everyday. But like I'm still skinny and I was just thinking like the other day that it would be so rad if like I had sex with someone and we had like lots of chicken fried steak everywhere and like we could like eat it off of each other and like pour gravy over our bodies and stuff like that. So yeah if you would like to do that with me then like send me a message or something because I like have a lunch pass since I like live in the dorms and so I like eat chicken fried steak like everyday.

Clean, sober, with infinite patience and a degree in astrophysics who gives stellar blowjobs and loves to cook and travel. Reads for fun, loves rock music, dive bars, and pays all bills on time.

In need of a tall, handsome 21-45 year old with moderate to severe meth addiction, raging alcoholism, and a healthy streak of paranoia. Must enjoy late night activities, including (but not limited to) chasing invisible intruders who are crawling around in the rafters trying to find your stash and/or steal things from you, picking scabs, bundling things together with tape, and drinking shitty domestic beer. Must come home drunk at least three times a week wanting (but being too drunk to engage in) mediocre sex. Must be willing to keep loaded weapons in bed with us to defend against the crank monsters that come in at night. Must assume that any time I leave the house I am seeking penis elsewhere. Must love animals.

1. Leave a message.

1. Insane.
2. Blonde.
3. Man hater.
4. Pushy.
5. Demanding.
6. Self-centered.
7. Does not know when to stop.
8. Wants to change a man rather than accept them for who they are.
9. Liars.
10. Wants to be saved.
11. Utilizes nonconstructive criticism.
12. Is a cockhop, whore, slut, skank, etc.
13. Has a crush.
14. Is whiney.
15. Does not understand the word "no".
16. Wants world peace.
17. Has lower than average intelligence.
18. Wants to use me as a sperm donor.
19. Sends random ass pictures.